The One Hundred

Aloha! Duane here with your NFL Draft coverage. Today we have been lucky enough to have been invited into the inner sanctuary of NFL legend Al Davis as he prepares for this years draft. No one else has been allowed this kind of exclusive access. Ooh…here he comes now…hello Mr.. Davis.

Al Davis: Hello…Hello..

Duane: Let me get right into it – the last five years have not been kind to the Raiders – you have not won more than five games in a season over that time period -ESPN has called you awful, Sports Illustrated has called you terrible, The Christian Science Monitor said you suck big sweaty donkey ba…

Davis: OK…OK. What is your question?

Duane: Well, how do you, the man who coined the term “Just Win, Baby” plan on turning this team around and just winning, baby?

Davis: Well, first of all, let me clear up a common misconception. It is actually “Just Win Baby!” See, once in 1969 Hank Stram and I were loaded on PCP and he bet me a baby that we couldn’t beat him in the game that afternoon. So, I am running up and down the sidelines, high as a kite, screaming “just win baby, just win baby” and the team really seemed to respond, so the slogan just kind of stuck.

Duane: You mean you wagered a real baby…like an infant?

Davis: Sure, we did that all the time back in the day. I don’t think he ever paid up though…I’m still waiting for that baby, Hank!

Duane: Sir, I think Hank Stram died like 3 years ago….

Davis: Bah! Excuses! I have technically been dead since 1998, but that doesn’t stop me…Lanie, go rustle me up a baby…they have pure souls…mmmmmm

Duane: Well..moving on…You have the #4 pick in this years NFL Draft. A lot of the experts are predicting you will take Arkansas running back Darren McFadden at that spot. Paired with last years #1 pick Jamarcus Russell you could have a potentially game changing duo for many years to come…

Davis: Yeah, well, I didn’t end up with a closet full of leather jumpsuits and old lady glasses by listening to the “so called” experts. I go from the gut…it’s called instinct, kid. I don’t always do the safe thing or the right thing or the smart thing or the logical thing or the right thing or the smart thing or…

Duane: Well, do you think you could share with our readers what you intend to do…

Davis: When every other team is loading up on quarterbacks and wide receivers and linebackers, I am going to concentrate all my efforts on the two most important, and underrated, words in all of pro football..would you like to know what they are?

Duane: Um ok….

Davis: Punting.

Duane: Punting?

Davis: Punting.

Duane: I think that is only one wor…

Davis: See, if I draft all the punters, I can pin the other teams down deep in their territory and since they don’t have good punters I get the ball back in good field position. It is genius in it’s simplicity…tee hee…tee hee hee…tee ha tee ha…

Duane: Yes, but honestly, sir, it is not like punting is that hard compared to passing or receiving…

Davis: You think you can do it?

Duane: Well, maybe…

Davis: Huh…you think you’re a big shot…let me see you punt…Lanie, I will take that baby out on the lanai and could you bring me my outdoor skin please…

Three Days Later…

Duane, Intrepid Sports Reporter, Whatever

Ahoy hoy! Duane here with a special guest: teen tournament semi-finalist Todd Faulkenberry who is going to give us the insiders perspective on this whole crazy scene. Welcome Todd!

Todd: It is great to be here, Duane.

Duane: Tell me Todd, how did you go about preparing for the Teen Tournament?

Todd: Well, there was a lot of outside study work and…

Duane: Yeah, fascinating stuff… You know what, Todd? I have applied for a job at ESPN 175 times over the past two years and do you know what happened?

Todd: No, I don’t…

Duane: Well, let me paint you a picture, Brainiac. They took all my resumes and videotapes…and…and 8X10 color glossy pictures and they put them through an industrial shredder. They then used all the little pieces as confetti during a sports championship celebration.

Todd: Hey, that is pretty cool. How many people can say that has happened to them? Which championship was it?

Duane: um…(unintelligible mumbling)…

Todd: I didn’t quite catch that?

Duane: It was the WNBA, ok. Happy?

Todd: Bwaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! What a burn. You must be one pathetic loser….

Duane: Get out! Get out! You are welcome in the SportsVan 3000 no more…well, now that that unpleasantness is taken care of; let’s bring in our next guest – Katie Gill. Welcome Katie!

Katie: Hello

Duane: Tell us about the selection process for the Teen Tournament.

Katie: Well, first you have to take a really hard test and then…

Duane: Real compelling stuff, Katie, I am on the edge of my seat…Do you know why I have been turned down for jobs by ESPN, ABC, NBC, Fox Sports Net, Fox Sports West, Fox Sports Northeast, Fox Sports Southwest, Fox Sports Niland…

Katie: No, I can’t say I do…

Duane: It is because I am a pioneer. While all these sportscasters are using their lame catchphrases, I have come up with something new – catch-faces. Wanna see?

Katie: Maybe…

Duane: Here is my patented move – I do my highlight and then wiggle my moustache and wink my right eye – watch. Tiger Woods hits the ball a looooong way! (wiggle, wiggle, wink)

Katie: um yeah…

Duane: Brandon Jacobs rumbles in for a touchdown! (wiggle, wiggle, wink)

Katie: You’re starting to creep me out…

(wiggle, wiggle, wink)

Katie: Mom…

(wiggle, wiggle, wink)

Katie: Moooommmmmmmmmy!

Duane, Intrepid Sports Reporter

Ladies and Gentlemen: I, Duane, have just exclusively learned that Rachel Cooke is “on the juice”. You heard it here first, folks! We are still awaiting word on how this will affect tonight’s match. Yeah! I scooped you ESPN! In your face! In your f’n face! Who’s “unemployable” now?

Wait…we have more information coming in…uh huh…uh huh…is that so?

Ok, it turns out she was in fact “drinking juice”, apple juice to be exact.

And eating pancakes. Although it looks like her pancakes may have been spiked with some sort of performance enhancing drugs. What? No, just blueberries.

Alright then, it appears that the crisis has been averted. This is Duane signing off…

Duane, Intrepid Sports Reporter

Wow. All I can say is wow. I have seen all the greats – Ali/Frazier, Magic/Bird, Tyson/Holyfield – but nothing could have prepared me for what I witnessed last night. There was buzzing and answering and more buzzing and more answering and…well, more buzzing. i was so amped up, it took three horse tranquilizers and a half bottle of Nightrain to get me to sleep last night.

I will be back later today with some expert analysis and celebrity interviews, but for those of you who missed last night, here are the standings after round one. As expected, Rachel Horn has jumped out to an early lead, but the surprise of the night was the late surge by Zia to almost pull even with Rachel Cooke (AKA “Steve). I have to give him credit. While the girls played it safe, Zia risked everything in Final Jeopardy. The boys got cajones…

– Rachel – $26,800

– “Steve” – $18,400

– Zia – $18,000

Duane, Intrepid Sports Reporter

For those of us who love the thrill of competition, the space between the Super Bowl and March Madness is a dull time indeed. Thankfully, the Jeopardy Teen Tournament has come along to save the day! If you have never seen it, it is quite spectacular. Fifteen of America’s best and brightest teenagers are released from their study cages and venture into the harsh light of day to nerd it up with their fellow nerdlings. The game portion really finds them in their element, but it is in their interview segment where they truly get a chance to shine (my personal favorite occurred a couple of years ago when Alex asked one of the contestants “I heard you recently took a safari to Africa. Where did you go?” Her response: “Uh…Africa”). For those of you who haven’t been paying attention this years finals are today and tomorrow and The One Hundred is the only place you will find wire to wire coverage of this exciting and historic event.

(Wagers are currently being taken in the comments section.)

So, let’s get it started and meet our combatants!

Rachel Cooke
Age: 17
From: Fishers, IN
Nickname: Superthumb
Strengths: Presidents
Weakness: Color blue makes her sad

Odds of winning: 5 to 1 – At first I thought she may lack the toughness to succeed in this competition. But upon seeing her interview with Alex, I have changed my tune. This girl is desperate to leave the state to go to college (she does live in Indiana so who can blame her) and she may feel that winning the prize money could be her ticket out. An animal may look harmless, but beware when you get its back against the wall

Zia Choudhury
Age: 17
From: Paducah, KY
Nickname: Nerf
Strengths: European History
Weakness: Hair in eyes blocks out top half of question board

Odds of winning: 20 to 1 – He is the dark horse in this competition. His Suite Life of Zack and Cody good looks may cause the ladies to swoon, giving him the upper hand. Otherwise, he is dead in the water.

Rachel Horn
Age: 15
From: Cincinnati, OH
Nickname: Boom Dizzle
Strengths: Shakespeare and State Capitals
Weakness: Spindly arms might give out in finals from weight of signaling buzzer

Odds of winning: 2-1 – At the end of the quarterfinals, Mia and I picked her as our favorite and she did not disappoint as she dispatched the competition in the semifinal round. Her icy cold demeanor belies her young age. She is like a pint sized Ivan Drago from Rocky IV. She will break you.

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We are only about four hours away from the start of day one. Our intrepid sports reporter Duane will be bringing you updates over the next few days.

Duane, Intrepid Sports Reporter.

Duane, Intrepid Sports Reporter, T.V.